[He is surprised to receive this message, but he is willing to help]
Xue Yang...? Is everything all right? I'll be there right now.
[It will take him a long time, considering he is learning a bit of braille and figure out the layout of the train by counting the carriage. Sometimes, he simply has to ask someone on the train to lead him the way, but he showed up to the library just as promised]
[Xue Yang waits on the bottom floor of the library. It was the only place he knew would be quiet and fairly empty. Plus since he knew that Xingchen liked the library, then it would be a place he felt safe enough to talk to him..plus he had offered to read with him. But reading is the last thing on his mind.
He walks over to the man when he enters.]
Daozhang..We can go somewhere quiet in here or some place else to talk if you prefer.
The library is a refuge, among the garden and the kitchen. The cinema can only give him voices to hear, and the rest is imagination. His hearing is very good, so hearing the sound of his voice, he walks toward to him, each step is tentative. He's a few of feet of where he thinks is Xue Yang.
"If it's important, I'll go to wherever you need to go to talk."
He reaches out and grabs onto Xingchen's arm. Trying to not startle him but wanting to guide him away from the entrance and towards a corner. He doesn't want anyone to interrupt a conversation even he isn't entirely sure how to have.
"As long as you trust me enough to be alone, there is a quiet corner over here."
He was slightly startled, but he can sense Xue Yang wants to be gentle, and guides him to where he needed him to be toward to the corner of the library for some privacy. Each step he makes is slow.
"I think I can." Once Xue Yang leads him to the corner, Xue Yang have his attention, tuning in to listen.
Xue Yang isn't entirely sure how to go about saying what he wants to say but..there is no going back at this point.
"There is something I want to tell you and I don't know how you are going to react to it but I want you just to listen and let me get it all out...okay?"
He felt a little uneasy. Did he kill someone by accident? Lost his temper? Is he in trouble and the whole train knows? He swallowed nervously. He heard a lot of stories from different passengers who lived here longer and none of their opinions of him are good, so the odds are against him.
"Xue Yang, you have me worried." But he knows out of all the people, he trusted him the most. "But all right. I'm listening."
Xue Yang lets go of Xingchen's arm and folds his own arms in front of his chest, giving himself a foot of distance as he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
"Originally when I stayed with you all I wanted was to find ways to torment you..to force you to do things I knew would break you from the inside. But when you were gone...I realized something..and being on this train and talking to several people..I learned a little bit about myself and what it is like to feel certain things."
He watches Xingchen's face as he speaks, making sure to notice any emotion that might cross over it.
"I like you Daozhang. I have for a long time. You were the only person who really seemed to care and was nice to me in ways I never felt before. And I realized when you died just how much I lost. But even then I couldn't admit it to myself. It wasn't until I came here that people helped me realize exactly what I was feeling."
His words start to come a little faster, "And you don't have to like me back..I know what I did and I don't deserve forgiveness. But I also don't want to watch you walk off the platform again without telling you how I felt."
At first, Xingchen is worried for the worst. He remembered Alice's description of him, that he is the worst possible scum. Her words echoed with his feelings when Xue Yang admitted and confessed his cruel intentions and his crimes moments before his own death and he blames him.
He promised change, but he can't see for himself, being blind. He isn't sure if this is a trick, but for once, he does truly felt the sincerity and honesty in his words, being honest of his own crimes, and he could feel it that he badly wants him to know.
"You're...oh." There's a rush of heat, feeling flustered at his words mingled with confusion, sadness, and it's coming at him so fast. There is pain and regret that he reaches for the wall and leans on it for support. It's overwhelming and too much. He thought about Zichen in that instant, but he must be far away in another universe by now. "I thought you hate guys like me. Being righteous, doing the right thing. That's weakness for you, remember? So I don't know why you..." Have feelings?
"So, that was..." he trials looking at his direction blankly not sure of him how to react or think. On one hand, he's relieved. This is a confession of his feelings. There's something sweet, honest, and kind, and this is new.
Then slowly, keeping his voice even. "Xue Yang, I care about you. I don't want you to do any harm to others. Each day I'm worried that you will, and you'll get caught and punished. I was worried that you'll get hurt, and that when you do, you'll get angry and lashed out at others. If you can...and I think you do, control that temper, then perhaps I can believe you." He doesn't expect him to do the right thing, but at least, he thinks he's trying as he heard from many also of his deep regret over his death.
"I do..or I did..hate those kinds of people. But at some point during those years together something changed. And maybe I do still hate those kinds of people, but I don't hate you."
He resists the urge to reach out. He knows that right now that might be the worst thing he could do while the other man processes everything. And so he keeps his arms crossed.
He listens as his feelings aren't outwardly rejected. "You don't have to worry about me daozhang. I'm a lot older now. I've learned much since your died and even more while I was here. What happened when A-Qing arrived...it was because I was still so angry over your death. I still blamed her. But I haven't had any issues since then and I won't have any more."
"You don't hate me...?" He could only feel a sense of wonder at his change. "Even after all of this time...I thought you were. In the past, me and Song Lan, we were trying to capture you and turn you over for your crimes, because it's the right thing to do. So I'm well aware of what kind of person you are."
With a heavy sigh, "Xue Yang. Release your blame from her. She is a child-like you once were. Honestly, I don't think you're older or wiser. A wise-ass maybe since I feel like I'm dealing with someone who is always three when things doesn't go your way."
A beat, then he managed a small smile, a genuine one. "But I'm glad. I was worried you did something wrong and made a mistake. But I'm relieved that everything is fine. In fact, maybe I'm feeling a lot better hearing from you."
"The kind of person I was, daozhang. I keep telling you I've changed!" Xue Yang pouts a little at the fact that it is so hard for people to think he might have improved a little.
He slowly lowers his arms down now, his body relaxing a little now that the truth is out and he doesn't have to dwell on it too much.
"You don't have to worry about me, Daozhang. I won't make any mistakes." But he also doesn't have to tread so lightly or worry about himself around Xingchen now. As long as the man knows that his feelings are quite opposite from ones of hate or wanting to hurt him then perhaps the man can be more at ease around him.
"All right, I got that. But I still find it hard to believe you. If you say that you're trying, then I have to take your word for it." Since he couldn't see, and only hear. "I think some people noticed that in your, basing on what they told me." He eased up as well. To tell the truth, he wasn't worried since he outmatched him in swordsmanship and spiritual power, but it was more of his will which is his weakness.
But steadily, his will and want to keep going is becoming stronger. Perhaps because he didn't want A-Qing to ever cry and feel alone or Xue Yang to feel a deeper regret that he couldn't change no matter what he did, and in a way, he wants him to change.
"If you meant what you said..." He reached over to search and found his hand to squeeze gently. "You're going to have to keep your word and stay on the path, and do some meditation to self-reflect. I can do that with you to help you if you want."
"I'll do whatever you want daozhang." He doesn't really know how much more self reflection he can really do but he is willing to do whatever the man asks of him to prove that he has improved or changed. That is all he can really do.
There are several people on the train he is sure would vouch for him if Xingchen asked them about him. But he also knows that the murder that happened has other people concerned and so no matter what he will never truly be free of his past mistakes.
"I'm not sure what I want from you other than you trying to be good and kind." He only squeezed his hand to show he does support him in a way. He hasn't met the others yet, but he heard and talked with a few. For now, he believes in them.
"You said I left the platform before. Were you worried that it would happen again?" Because he figured if he leaves, it's choosing his final departure.
"I don't know if I have the capability of being kind." He can behave himself and he can be as good as possible. But kindness is foreign to him.
"I was..I've already seen you leave once. I figure it could happen again at any time." Or he might be the one to leave the platform and never have the chance to tell xingchen how he felt ever again. He would simply be going back to nothingness and his death.
"You can if you try. I may not be able to see it, but if I hear it that you make an effort, I'll be impressed." He doesn't hope for much. The fact that he stopped wanting to kill, and wanting to change, that's an improvement by itself.
This is not necessary for him to say, but he felt sad for him. "I'm sorry. If it helps, this time, I decide not to go since I can't go back." And his dearest friend Song Lan must face the world alone regardless.
"I don't think you are the one that necessarily makes that decision. I think sometimes the train just..lets you go. But no one really knows for sure."
Because why would anyone chose to go back to their home world if they knew they were going to die? But he has seen it happen. He is determined not to be one of those.
"Ah then... try to make the best of it while I'm here." For how long he stays here like a flower, his stay could be brief, short, fragile and this temporary life they have is impermanence. And he knew if one day the train decides, he'll have to accept it.
Tilting his head, "Is that all Xue Yang...?" All that he wanted to talk about and confess? Since hearing that and letting himself be honest and reveal a vulnerable side does indeed take a lot of courage to admit.
He's about to ask him to read a book to him, but he knows Xue Yang better. The man needs his dignity.
"All right. But if you need to talk, I am here." Even after all of that with the talk, a part of him still wanted to comfort him, to nurture him, he wanted to. Since he believed him that he does feel regret and wanted to save his soul after what he has done to himself.
Perhaps he needs proof, "We are friends now, A-Yang. Now that I know your name, it's actually nice calling you that."
His eyes widen slightly and he feels a little flip in his chest that must have been his heart. Hearing Xingchen call him that fills him with hope that things have improved even slightly.
He grins, "Make sure you use it a lot now, daozhang. I won't get tired of hearing it."
He looks surprised and feels flustered. "Well, you never told me your name after all of that time." Because he has his reasons because once he did, to reveal his true identity, it becomes a violent encounter.
"A-Yang." He said his name soft, perhaps with a deep sweetness tone to it. "Because we're friends now. And I know you." It's a much better name, than what people called him because it's Xingchen who named him.
"I may have eventually..but it just never seemed like a good time. I guess I worried about what you would say when you found out." Even if he hadn't had Xingchen kill Song Lan..there was no telling how the information would have been taken.
He won't let anyone else call him this. He wants to reserve this name as something only Xingchen can have.
"I do. But really its you that I should be asking that to." Because although he feels better about being able to tell him how he felt, its really up to Xingchen as to how he feels about hearing any of it.
Xingchen gives it some thought. He now knows that whatever he feels or says really does have an effect on him, and Xue Yang will take it to the heart.
"I'll be all right. But you...give me some time." He doesn't like him back, but he did say they are friends and he gives him a nickname to call him by, so...that's progress.
"Of course daozhang. Take whatever time you need." He figured the man wants to stay and read and he wants to give him his space to think about everything and so he backs off.
Feeling him back away, that would be for the best as he feels there is a relief in maintaining a good distance also.
"Xue Yang. It's fine to talk to me. As long it's important, talk to me anytime and I'll listen to your side first." Before making a verdict from anybody else.
"I will, daozhang. But I don't know how much important stuff I will have to say." He already said the most important thing. The rest is simply life on the train.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Xue Yang...? Is everything all right? I'll be there right now.
[It will take him a long time, considering he is learning a bit of braille and figure out the layout of the train by counting the carriage. Sometimes, he simply has to ask someone on the train to lead him the way, but he showed up to the library just as promised]
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He walks over to the man when he enters.]
Daozhang..We can go somewhere quiet in here or some place else to talk if you prefer.
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"If it's important, I'll go to wherever you need to go to talk."
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"As long as you trust me enough to be alone, there is a quiet corner over here."
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"I think I can." Once Xue Yang leads him to the corner, Xue Yang have his attention, tuning in to listen.
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"There is something I want to tell you and I don't know how you are going to react to it but I want you just to listen and let me get it all out...okay?"
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"Xue Yang, you have me worried." But he knows out of all the people, he trusted him the most. "But all right. I'm listening."
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"Originally when I stayed with you all I wanted was to find ways to torment you..to force you to do things I knew would break you from the inside. But when you were gone...I realized something..and being on this train and talking to several people..I learned a little bit about myself and what it is like to feel certain things."
He watches Xingchen's face as he speaks, making sure to notice any emotion that might cross over it.
"I like you Daozhang. I have for a long time. You were the only person who really seemed to care and was nice to me in ways I never felt before. And I realized when you died just how much I lost. But even then I couldn't admit it to myself. It wasn't until I came here that people helped me realize exactly what I was feeling."
His words start to come a little faster, "And you don't have to like me back..I know what I did and I don't deserve forgiveness. But I also don't want to watch you walk off the platform again without telling you how I felt."
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He promised change, but he can't see for himself, being blind. He isn't sure if this is a trick, but for once, he does truly felt the sincerity and honesty in his words, being honest of his own crimes, and he could feel it that he badly wants him to know.
"You're...oh." There's a rush of heat, feeling flustered at his words mingled with confusion, sadness, and it's coming at him so fast. There is pain and regret that he reaches for the wall and leans on it for support. It's overwhelming and too much. He thought about Zichen in that instant, but he must be far away in another universe by now. "I thought you hate guys like me. Being righteous, doing the right thing. That's weakness for you, remember? So I don't know why you..." Have feelings?
"So, that was..." he trials looking at his direction blankly not sure of him how to react or think. On one hand, he's relieved. This is a confession of his feelings. There's something sweet, honest, and kind, and this is new.
Then slowly, keeping his voice even. "Xue Yang, I care about you. I don't want you to do any harm to others. Each day I'm worried that you will, and you'll get caught and punished. I was worried that you'll get hurt, and that when you do, you'll get angry and lashed out at others. If you can...and I think you do, control that temper, then perhaps I can believe you." He doesn't expect him to do the right thing, but at least, he thinks he's trying as he heard from many also of his deep regret over his death.
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He resists the urge to reach out. He knows that right now that might be the worst thing he could do while the other man processes everything. And so he keeps his arms crossed.
He listens as his feelings aren't outwardly rejected. "You don't have to worry about me daozhang. I'm a lot older now. I've learned much since your died and even more while I was here. What happened when A-Qing arrived...it was because I was still so angry over your death. I still blamed her. But I haven't had any issues since then and I won't have any more."
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With a heavy sigh, "Xue Yang. Release your blame from her. She is a child-like you once were. Honestly, I don't think you're older or wiser. A wise-ass maybe since I feel like I'm dealing with someone who is always three when things doesn't go your way."
A beat, then he managed a small smile, a genuine one. "But I'm glad. I was worried you did something wrong and made a mistake. But I'm relieved that everything is fine. In fact, maybe I'm feeling a lot better hearing from you."
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He slowly lowers his arms down now, his body relaxing a little now that the truth is out and he doesn't have to dwell on it too much.
"You don't have to worry about me, Daozhang. I won't make any mistakes." But he also doesn't have to tread so lightly or worry about himself around Xingchen now. As long as the man knows that his feelings are quite opposite from ones of hate or wanting to hurt him then perhaps the man can be more at ease around him.
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But steadily, his will and want to keep going is becoming stronger. Perhaps because he didn't want A-Qing to ever cry and feel alone or Xue Yang to feel a deeper regret that he couldn't change no matter what he did, and in a way, he wants him to change.
"If you meant what you said..." He reached over to search and found his hand to squeeze gently. "You're going to have to keep your word and stay on the path, and do some meditation to self-reflect. I can do that with you to help you if you want."
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There are several people on the train he is sure would vouch for him if Xingchen asked them about him. But he also knows that the murder that happened has other people concerned and so no matter what he will never truly be free of his past mistakes.
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"You said I left the platform before. Were you worried that it would happen again?" Because he figured if he leaves, it's choosing his final departure.
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"I was..I've already seen you leave once. I figure it could happen again at any time." Or he might be the one to leave the platform and never have the chance to tell xingchen how he felt ever again. He would simply be going back to nothingness and his death.
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This is not necessary for him to say, but he felt sad for him. "I'm sorry. If it helps, this time, I decide not to go since I can't go back." And his dearest friend Song Lan must face the world alone regardless.
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Because why would anyone chose to go back to their home world if they knew they were going to die? But he has seen it happen. He is determined not to be one of those.
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Tilting his head, "Is that all Xue Yang...?" All that he wanted to talk about and confess? Since hearing that and letting himself be honest and reveal a vulnerable side does indeed take a lot of courage to admit.
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Xue Yang said what he had to and that was all he wanted. He knows he needs to take things slow even though that isn't really his style.
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"All right. But if you need to talk, I am here." Even after all of that with the talk, a part of him still wanted to comfort him, to nurture him, he wanted to. Since he believed him that he does feel regret and wanted to save his soul after what he has done to himself.
Perhaps he needs proof, "We are friends now, A-Yang. Now that I know your name, it's actually nice calling you that."
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He grins, "Make sure you use it a lot now, daozhang. I won't get tired of hearing it."
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"A-Yang." He said his name soft, perhaps with a deep sweetness tone to it. "Because we're friends now. And I know you." It's a much better name, than what people called him because it's Xingchen who named him.
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He won't let anyone else call him this. He wants to reserve this name as something only Xingchen can have.
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A beat, then after some thought. "Do you feel better now?" Hopefully, that gets the weight off his chest.
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"I'll be all right. But you...give me some time." He doesn't like him back, but he did say they are friends and he gives him a nickname to call him by, so...that's progress.
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"I won't bother you any more."
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"Xue Yang. It's fine to talk to me. As long it's important, talk to me anytime and I'll listen to your side first." Before making a verdict from anybody else.
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